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Friday, February 18th, 2005
3:46 pm - the origin of the collection
i've been dabbling in poker a bit too much for my own good. i usually have a love-hate relationship with the game, but recently it's been mostly love. i've even been appreciating the pots that i've been losing. my experts on gambling addiction tell me that it's a bad sign when the gambler feels 'more alive' when they're sitting at a table. it's tough not to feel alive when you've just lost forty dollars on a really spectacular hand gone sour. and yes, it's quite nice to pull in a pot big enough to require both arms. it's certainly a game of skill, as there must be a reason that a player like doyle brunson is able to win nine world series bracelets. the problem is when newbs like myself are on a rush and think that they're as good as the professionals. i think i've got the addiction under control for now though, and i've got the bankroll to cushion me from a few really bad nights. they call em vices for a reason, eh?

oh, so i've made the decision that any night that i come up more that $200 i'll buy a zippo. i've got two already, woot.

current mood: up $525

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5:43 am - pocket rockets busted by an inside straight draw caught on the river
my paper journal has been exploding with material, but it seems that i'm never in front of this terminal long enough to record my life for public consumption. i've been curious about what blog writing is, exactly. the lj post is a queer sort of mix of a letter to a friend and a journal entry. written language exists for the sake of porting the contents of our head into the heads of others, but while the letter is an effort to communicate concepts to another mind, journal writing has no audience but the author. my writing that is without an intended audience helps hone my ability to take note of life as i'm living it, and has great utility to someone with as fautly a memory as my own. recording and clarifying my thoughts or reflections on events after the fact for personal posterity is a wonderful habit. i have to think that the pages of notes on theory or relationships or the events of a memorable day are only interesting to myself... but then i forget about this venue. i'm still trying to understand what exactly a blog is supposed to be used for, any ideas?

current mood: still pretty good.

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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
5:35 am - the heft of my backlog will make you blush.
but i'm not even going to touch it yet. i mostly just wanted to say this: 'sup lj?

current mood: good.

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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
3:12 pm
i was supposed to discuss the symposium with someone, but we now find ourselves in the middle of a friendship embargo. here is a quote that i found to be particularly hard hitting: "what if someone got to see the Beautiful itself, absolute, pure, unmixed, not polluted by human flesh or colors or any other great nonsense or mortality..."
i've been spending a lot of time in my head, as always. my plato class is probably the best i've ever had here, or perhaps i'm just more responsive to the material than i've ever been. i'm finding myself passionate about the nuances of his theory of forms, as well as the petty academic fistfights in the secondary literature. it all underlines what i found so amazing about philosophy in the first place: there's a humanity in ideas that refuses to be diluted by time or change of economic/scientific/cultural paradigms. this philosophy, despite being well over two thousand years old, is still crisp and enlivening. if any of you reading now have any interest in plato, please message me so we can talk these ideas through.

so that's a bit of what i've been thinking. for the sake of myself not having to endure it, i think i'll leave out how i've been feeling. i've been having such startling highs and lows that vague brevity is perhaps the only way to do my week justice. i will be more than happy to discuss the recent turbulence with any of you, but i know most of you are tired of hearing about it. ok, off to ranch 99.

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Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
1:07 am - a quick one, while he's away.
minutes before i expect to be asleep but i wanted to mention the best things that happened to me today.

my wall-painting project has been the most satisfying experience in recent memory. apparently, i ain't nothing to fuck with when it comes to painting a wall.
even better! i got a mix cd, sparking a mix cd war to end all mix cd wars. it's incredible, and has upped the ante for my retaliatory strike. my opponent is a worthy adversary. that's in addition to being drop dead funny and having awesomeness in spades. to top it off, she's as real as they come. she shouldn't let these compliments bring her a false sense of security though, i'm going to drop a bunker buster of a mix on her in a couple weeks.

better update coming soon.

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Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
2:00 am
this ridiculous thing keeps happening to my defining relationship. my friends are all tired of hearing that it's over for the last time, that 'i mean it now, this time it's over for good'.
i can't explain why i get so jealous. i know that i was justified feeling this way when she was sleeping around on me, but we're not even together anymore. i've cared so much about other girls, without ever feeling jealous that they were crushing on someone else. in my better moments, i can see that it's silly to try to expect her to care as much about me as i do about her. i've never had a shred of security in her, despite the glut of consistent safety i was once able to offer her. my normally level head tilts so severely when she puts others ahead of me, and i want none of it anymore. i get irrational, i get angry, i vehemently curse. there is a visceral crudeness to jealousy, like some heavy-handed chemical that pollutes the subtlety and compassion that makes me human. all of this is so small though, and it's crushing who i am. i must be bigger than this jealousy for my sake, and i have been at times. we've been the best of friends for so long now, and i'm fully able to understand that she's done nothing wrong. i just never know when another vial of that nasty monogamy hormone will burst and tear the both of us apart in petty, useless little arguments. quieter times are ahead.

in other news, life is amazing. the time that i've had at home has been tremendously fruitful. i have a spiral-bound notebook that's full of reflections on augustine and some half-assed aesthetic theories of my own. if i manage to update this thing when i'm not so excitable, i can unload some of them.
to all: i'm sorry that my flakiness has gotten so out of hand these last few days. if my head ever stills itself, there are quality conversations to be had with all of you, i promise... love at you all.

current mood: wait, seriously?

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Thursday, August 12th, 2004
1:17 pm - white lines blow away
i'm updating my livejournal instead of studying for the logic final i have in forty five minutes. i make excellent life choices.

everything is huge and terrible right now. i need to barely pass this class, then move out of my room. on friday i'll be flying to orange county (i sometimes like to call it home) for what might be the last time. my mom is retiring to arizona, using the hefty equity she earned in her ten-year stint through the oc real estate boom. it's going to be a strange trip, for more than one reason.

for many years i've had a stability in having a consistent home and a consistent best friend. it's possible for the first time in my life that i will be losing both of those for an indefinite stretch of time. i'm much lonelier than i've ever been in my life, but i suppose there's something exhilarating about losing such huge parts of myself. i know that if i am to be a better person for others, i should consciously make an effort to not be attached to anything in this life. my loved ones are the most important part of my life, but i can only depend on myself.

i am so much stronger than i was a year and a half ago. when i was younger, i was all compassion and open arms. compassion without strength is dangerous and unhealthy for my relationships though. as i've learned to be more self-reliant, i've come to understand that i'm only able to better myself (and so be better for the ones i love) if i go into my relationships with a stronger understanding of my own expectations. i once thought that selflessness was the highest good, and i would strive to help the ones i love regardless of the emotional burden. i was a shade of a person, living only for others and not having a self to exist for. though i would still give everything i have to help someone that i love, i know that i am strong enough to stand alone.

i have a lot to think about. oh, and a final to fail.

current mood: older

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Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
4:01 am
this is awesome:
http://www3.sympatico.ca/brooksdr/haddock/main.htm

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Saturday, March 20th, 2004
1:21 am
i saw the dawn of the dead remake this evening. i love zombies. oh, but the remake wasn't all that hot. cang? you reading? tell me what you thought/expect!

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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
4:47 am - if its not one thing...
im never going to get my sleep schedule back on track. in orange county, my sleep schedule was much worse than it is now. i remember trying to tell my mom how unfamiliar 'normal' or 'healthy' sleep cycles are for me... but i guess i dont need to worry about being normal or healthy anymore. being sleep deprived and at my wit's end feels like home.

other things are making berkeley feel like home too. the good hearts and minds of the people i live with are very reassuring and often startlingly helpful. theyre everything i could hope for in housemates. i wish i could do more for some of them... my arms are too short though.

i resolve to never have arguments over the phone again, they tear me into little pieces. the most disturbing thing about this last time was how delayed an impact it had on me. the same conversation is just as violently penetrating, despite this being the forty-fifth time weve had it. i dread the spark of petty, tiny disagreements that catch and fuel wildfire arguments that raze everything. after all my huffing and puffing, where am i?

i should be in bed.

current mood: not asleep.

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Saturday, February 14th, 2004
1:56 am - yoku dekimashita.
ive been kind of dislocated recently. i feel like i have an emotional/intellectual phantom itch. you know the kind, im sure: youll go to scratch, but it kind of relocates to somewhere like the small of your back? i feel like by the time im able to catch up with myself, ill be feeling/thinking something altogether different. i need to stop. and idle. and maybe pick up meditation again. i need to gather, i feel like cloudy water.

oh, and ive been considering dropping out of school.
... the two are probably related.

i went to a party tonight. there were some decent bands, notably a japanese girl-'punk' band and a ROCKROCK group that covered devo and berlin. it was the first and probably last moshpit ill ever see set to the words 'riding on the metro'.
i was feeling a bit socially reclusive for most of the evening, but i thankfully found a really cool person to talk to. we shared a good conversation and i felt like 'myself' for the first time in a while, if a little nervous. she told me about this tibetan buddhist temple, which would be perfect were i to start taking up meditation again. i think ill head over there tomorrow, hanging out with monks strikes me as a perfect way to spend valentines day... rrrg.

current mood: other.

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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
2:32 am - why the fuck am i still up?
to kelson: im sorry for all the typing.

current mood: "i need to do my reading!"

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12:13 am - its nearing suntory time.
truth springs from argument amongst friends. -hume

i want to be able to have conversations for a living, the kind of conversations that make me heady with humanity. i already live for robust conversations, i just wish i could live on them. supposedly this damned philosophy thing is supposed to get me to that place, but it hasnt really been working. im struggling with whether im academically capable of my major (which is totally different than intellectually capable... right?). its interesting to note that the existentialists suggest that other people are at once hell and our only source of meaning. i guess by extrapolation, that would make the conversations that navigate our relationships unimaginably important. now, if only i was better at them...

that said, i love the people at berkeley. despite my expectations, im not overcome by shyness. to the contrary, i feel like i can be tactlessly invasive with people i dont know too well. im starting to realize that thats sort of who i am, though i consistently apologize for myself. ive never given a second thought to being as sincere as i can be with every person i make eye contact with. bleurgh, i hate typing about myself -- this is exactly why i said id never have a blog.

so my feilong in super street fighter 2: turbo will take all challengers. and kill them. and their mothers. AND MY GRADES.
lets have refreshing time.

current mood: post-biore nose-buzz

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Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
3:07 am - am i alvy or annie?
you know, i think this is actually affecting me much more than i'd like to let on...
...
"this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "doc, my brother's crazy. he thinks he's a chicken." the doctor says, "well, why don't you turn him in?" and the guy says, "i would, but i need the eggs." well, i guess that's pretty much how i feel about relationships. you know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but i guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs."

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Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
3:02 am - this is where it gets fucking important... and unfortunately bloggy.
i just realized something interesting about the way we label our relationships... 'symbiotic' is just a really friendly way of saying 'codependent'.

while i can understand and respect the West's individualism, i think that we've gone wrong trying to pretend that we should keep secrets to protect ourselves against taking an emotional fall. i try to live my life as transparently as possible, trying whenever i can to avoid pretense. my big ugly vulnerable heart speaks in every conversation. on good days, i still believe in things like whimsy and melody and sometimes i even catch myself living through poignant if cliched belle-and-sebastian'ed rainy days.
i suppose i have a really foolhardily romantic way of seeing the world. even in my own mind though, 'unguarded' seems to have a lot in common with 'emotionally naive'. though i know fully well how hypersensitive i might be, guarding myself against another feels so contrary to who i am.
..
my relationship goes in cycles and its getting tough to tell when its really, truly, irrevocably in danger. theres no reliable way of deciding whether a problem is a cobblestone or a tombstone. if i get in the habit of underestimating every problem, i might overlook something serious. --of course its terrible the other way too, where seeing problems in everything is the toetag on a very important relationship.
i think the only thing consistent during these cycles is my inevitable exasperation with myself.
thanks for reading this, friends. forgive the theatrics and bad metaphors used in this entry... ive truly been at my wits end these days, like im emotionally preparing for the end of my life. id love feedback, even if its as needlessly vague as this entry was.

current mood: whatever it is, its big

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Monday, November 17th, 2003
10:48 pm
update. forget school, i forget that i can drown right here.

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10:40 am
i am a tiny, quiet personality... i'm going to drown at school.

current mood: make or break.

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
12:36 am - oh no, not about politics too...
bill o'reilly, while politically reprehensible, can apparently argue the pants off of liberal biased public broadcasting. the 'liberal media' makes a habit of accusing him of being unsportly by exploiting unfair house rules. seeing his show a few times, i always agree with them.

he was on the charlie rose show tonight, away from his natural environment. even without the home court advantage though, o'reilly mopped the floor with rose. he had a clever way of slithering through valid arguments and that were contrary to his. the show ended with charlie rose looking like the loser... on his own show. i have to concede that i now have a reluctant repsect for o'reillys style of argument.

::bows head::

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Monday, October 27th, 2003
4:41 pm - oh soren, how you brighten my mondays.
the whole order of things fills me with a sense
of anguish, from the gnat to the mysteries of
incarnation; all is entirely unintelligible to me,
and particularly my own person. great is my
sorrow, without limits. none knows of it, except
God in Heaven, and He cannot have pity.
- kierkegaard, journal

current mood: i dunno, 'anguished' i guess?

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Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
4:09 am - second update this hour?
i was reasearching bertrand russell and found this quote:
"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."

... wow, what a dick.

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